You are the leader of a personal security detail for the Assistant Undersecretary of the Department of Potato Affairs (the Principal). The Principal is attending a conference in Austin, Texas. In the middle of the night, he informs you that he absolutely has to have hentai, and the shit online won’t do. He’s looking up a shady adult bookstore right now. You try to dissuade him, since you were alerted to a possible Al Qaeda threat in this city.
He won’t be deterred.
While traveling in the 4 vehicle motorcade of armored black SUV’s, your worst fears are realized: the most heavily-bearded Al Qaeder you’ve ever seen steps out into the streets and hits your lead vehicle with an RPG. Small arms fire erupts from you right flank and from your rear. You are half way between the hotel and the shady bookstore.
Get the principal safely back to the hotel. Since this is a domestic operation, use minimum amount of necessary force to break contact. If possible, get the hentai.
Lead Vehicle: Air Force Phoenix Raven Team (4 personnel). This “elite” team of “commandos” are a Security Force detachment that protects aircraft on high-risk airfields. Like the rest of the Security Forces, they don’t fire their weapons. Ever. Their grueling several-days-long training course has a graduation rate of only 98 percent. They won’t shut up about crossfit or their keto diets. Armed with Basic Bitch M4’s.
Second Vehicle: Navy SWCC Team (4 personnel). These guys drive boats for SEAL teams. If you ask them what they do at a party, they will say “I’m basically a Navy SEAL.” Won’t shut up about Krav Maga and high protein diets. Armed with Basic Bitch M4’s, but with camo paint.
Third Vehicle: The Principal. This man needs hentai, or so he says. You aren’t in a position to say no., You, A motivated self-starter who is both highly independent and works well in a team environment. You are skilled in Linux, Unix, Windows, Deep Web Secret Hacking, and all that shit. You don’t actually know how to lead a protective detail, but the money was too good to pass up.
Air Force Special Operations Weather Team (3 personnel)
These guys are among the most elite when it comes to Figuring Out How Cold It Is Outside. They can also predict rain with 50% certainty. Won’t shut up about their Pokemon.
Armed with SCAR-L’s (for some reason), with IR lasers that they don’t know how to use. DAGR GPS’s and Kestrel weather stations that they bought from Cabelas. An RC helicopter with a camera attached.
Army Medium Machine Gun Team With Substance Abuse Problems (4 personnel). They just can’t give up that sweet, sweet Mary Jane. Also coke and meth. The guy in back, facing to the rear, is equipped with a mounted minigun which he was told to never, ever fire. He opened up at the first engagement (his team leader yelled “set up grazing fire!”) firing through the rear window and fucking up various US civilian infrastructure. The other three members of the team are firing their M4’s through the side windows while screaming gibberish. Won’t shut up about that Nine Inch Nails album they just torrented like it’s still the fucking 90’s or something.
Armed with one minigun, and 3 M4’s with lasers, scopes, and all sorts of other bullshit strapped to them. The gunner has an M9.
All vehicles are driven by civilian security guards who have a Basic Unarmed Security Officer License in the state of Texas. Armed with Pepper spray and harsh language. All right, commanders, give your answers in the comments!